I've been adding these quotes one by one to a text file for over ten years. Since I share the file with friends every so often but I don't keep a copy of this old file handy, I decided to store the quotes here and retire that decrepid old file. I didn't collect these quotes because I agree with all of them. I collected them because they forced me to change my assumptions or struck me as humorous.

If I add more quotes, they'll have date stamps of when they were added. The originals won't.

• "Change is the essential process of existance."
  • Spock
• "When you're screwing up and no one is saying anything to you any more [about it], that means they gave up."
  • Randy Pausch
• "gazz: A bullet may have your name on it, but shrapnel is addressed ‘to whom it may concern‘."
  • http://www.bash.org/?785529
• "while(time < fiveoclock){ something = new makesomething(); assemblyline.push(something);}"
  • 77Punker on Slashdot
• "Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
  • Redd Foxx
• "All generalizations are false."
  • unknown
• "I NEVER rely on my own memory, as I have determined that is not only faulty, but actively working against me."
  • From www.sysadminco.com
• "touch ; finger ; yes ; unzip ; mount /dev/girl ; fsck ; fsck ; fsck ; fsck; fsck ; gasp ; yes ; fsck ; fsck ; unmount ; zip ; sleep"
  • An old UNIX command sex joke (of sorts)
• "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a truckload of hand grenades... now *that's* a sign."
  • Jacqui
• "If life gives you lemons, I don't recommend making lemonade, because unless life gives you sugar too, that stuff will be undrinkable."
  • Keith Sanvidge
• "Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
  • Voltaire
• "To think is to differ."
  • Clarence Darrow
• "Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non- existence of God, they have decided to fight for it."
  • Monty Python
• "When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion."
  • Abraham Lincoln
• "No party holds the privilege of dictating to me how I shall vote. If loyalty to party is a form of patriotism, I am no patriot. If there is any valuable difference between a monarchist and an American, it lies in the theory that the American can decide for himself what is patriotic and what isn’t. I claim that difference."
  • Mark Twain
• "They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."
  • Carl Sagan
• "Beige shall be the colour of computers and the colour of computers shall be beige. Black shall they not be, nor either shall they be grey, unless they will then be painted beige. Translucent anything is right out."
  • Seen on /.
• "A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
  Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, ‘Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.‘
  And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals...
  Now did the Lord say, ‘First thou pullest the Holy Pin.
  Then thou must count to three.
  Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three.
  Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three.
  Five is right out.
  Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.‘"
  • Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• "But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."
  • Thomas Jefferson
• "One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is not a group called ‘Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey‘."
  • Mr. Monologue
• "Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man -- who has no gills."
  • Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
• "If 50 million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing"
  • Anatole France
• "The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently."
  • Nietzsche
• "Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong."
  • Unknown
• "Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."
  • Churchill's commentary on man
• "The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom."
  • Clarence Darrow
• "The word heretic ought to be a term of honour..."
  • Charles Bradlaugh
• "Let's not forget that God is the author of laughter and that the first miracle Jesus performed was turning water into wine so that a party wouldn't end prematurely."
  • Jim Passalacqua
• "Now 7-11 has bowed to pressure from the Moral Majority to remove Playboy and Penthouse from their newsstand. I guess to be fair you have to look at it from the fundamentalist perspective - what they're saying is that they don't want pornography out in the open, because what it does is it forces a certain type of literature on somebody in a public place. It would be like..., uh..., oh I don't know, say like ...putting the Bible in everybody's hotel room, or something crazy like that."
  • Dennis Miller
• "When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."
  • Dan Gadino
• "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it's fun ya' can't see."
  • James Hetfield (lead singer for Metallica)
• "The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
  • Douglas Porter
• "Nothing in life is so bad that it cannot be made much, much worse by the addition of lots of spikes and razors."
  • Sean Kozma
• "The wise masters all say that the path to enlightenment is attained through compassion, thoughtfulness and a deep respect for all life. And it wouldn't hurt to know some kung-fu so you can kick the ass of any moron who refuses to listen."
  • John Roney
• "The day that you die will be like any other day, only shorter."
  • Unknown
• "Next time you wonder if technology is a good thing, just try sending hundreds of lame jokes and pornographic pictures to friends via the U.S. Postal Service."
  • Brad Osberg
• "I am going to die. You are going to die. And while I suspect Bill Gates has mad scientists working on a plan to keep him alive forever, he will probably die as well. "
  • The Misanthropic Bitch
• "History doesn't always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells ‘CAN'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING I TOLD YOU?!?!‘ and lets fly with a club."
  • John W. Cambell
• "Occasionally something happens in astronomy that is so bewildering that it makes astronomers nervous."
  • Kris Davidson
• "Beer is the mind killer. Beer is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my beer. I will permit it to pass over me and through me, and when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. When the beer has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
  • Phillip from Goats in a parody of the Litany Against Fear from Dune
• "Sometimes I hear voices in my head telling me to do strange things, but I always wonder if that's just me thinking about things I really want to do anyway."
  • Scott Griffin
• "Remember, there's no ‘I‘ in ‘TEAM‘ -- but there is an ‘EAT ME‘ if you don't mind using the ‘E‘ twice."
  • Lewis Shiner
• "When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question: Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?"
  • Lindsay Acord
• "If you want something done right, shut up and get me a cappuccino."
  • Bryan
• "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
  • Sarah
• "WARNING: prosecuters will be violated."
  • Rhonda R.
• "I think a good commercial would be to show how Tide detergent can wash the stain out of the Shroud of Turin. The jingle could be: "Tide, more powerful than God!" "
  • Damon Milhem
• "Salad is murder."
  • Kendra D.
• Jimmy: "What if the sky was pink?"
  Adam: "You would wonder what it was like if it was blue. This is it."
  • Two random guys
• "We are the flaming, exploding, CGI-movie saturated MTV generation after all. If it isn't bright pink and green, naked, on fire and computer animated, I just yawn and walk away."
  • Spotted on /.
• "I'm now going to smear clue musk on you and stand you in a field of horny clues in the middle of clue mating season. I think it's the only way you could ever possibly *get* a clue."
  • Leah Adezio
• "We have reached our cruising altitude of three feet, and I expect a smooth flight all the way into New Orleans."
  • Greyhound bus driver
• "Facts are stupid things."
  • Then-President Ronald Reagan
• "She has moments when she seems stable, but then so does nitroglycerine."
  • Dan
• "All America hates drugs, but we LOVE the stories!!!"
  • The guy on Talk Soup
• "[My passwords] are just the initials of the last girl i screwed and how many times i screwed her."
  "So it's ‘mom99999‘?"
  • Exchange in the comments of a /. poll
• "Frink" might mean "Gee, I really want a Twinkie", or, "Get the hell out of my tree".
  • Peter trying to eplain why Two-toed sloths make a noise similar to "frink".
• "If ‘he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword‘ holds true, then jesus the carpenter met his end properly. After all, he was nailed to a piece of wood, wasn't he? "
  • Anonymous
• "My mind is not in the gutter. My mind comes up to the gutter to feed."
  • Catherine
• "Physics is to math like sex is to masturbation. "
  • Dr. Watt (Head, Physics Dept., Phillips Academy, Andover, MA)
• "Clones are people two."
  • Seen on /.
• "Danger: Retarded Pit Bull High On Angel Dust."
  • Sign on dorm room door at UVA
• Teacher: "Have you ever wondered how that could have happened?"
  Dan: "No."
  Teacher: "That was a rhetorical question. It wasn't meant to be answered."
  Dan: "But that was a rhetorical answer. It wasn't meant to be questioned."
  
  • Dan, in an exchange that got him sent to the back of the room for the rest of the sememster.
• "I'm a polyatheist -- there are many gods I don't believe in."
  • Dan Fouts
• "I just love the first day of school. The smell of beer on the floor, the dark smoky rooms, the sticky tables and squeaky chairs... no, wait. That's not school."
  • Mark Torrente
• "If I have any more caffeine, I'm going to end up running down the hallway naked."
  • Seen on /.
• "Love is being stupid together: ‘You know, we've been staring at each other for three hours now......‘ "
  • Craig Pagganucci
• "Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA."
  • Seen on /.
• "I think in a past life I was a ruler in Egypt. I can tell cause I really like wearing sandals a lot."
  • Tom Sims
• "Even as a kid, I knew someday I'd be in a profession where I could help people. Either that or a Viking 'cause man, you gotta admit, those helmets with horns are pretty cool."
  • Daniel Avrin
• "If you ever meet a holy wiseman, don't trust him, because there's no way to tell if he's REALLY a holy wiseman."
  • Josh Winston
• "The world is my oyster. Now I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing open."
  • Bob Johnson
• "Love conquers all. I should know -- I've been raped, pillaged, sacked, sieged, and razed by it."
  • Pete Sears
• "Somewhere, there is a .sig so funny that reading it will cause an aneurysm. This is not that .sig."
  • Seen on /.
• "Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when you were five: staying up late and eating Lucky Charms for dinner."
  • Ryan Rollinson
• "There are three kinds of lies: Plain lies, damned lies, and benchmarks."
  • Seen on /.
• "I realized that if I were to eat the bag my rice cakes came in, I'd likely ingest more nutrition than eating the cakes themselves."
  • Connie Chai
• "The best defense is a good offense, and I plan to start offending right now."
  • James T. Kirk
• "If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just fix this Y2K problem... Oh wait, we're already doing that."
  • J.P. Styskal
• "Some days I just pray for spontaneous combustion."
  • Daniel Di Paolo
• "You can learn more about a person in an hour of play, than in a year of conversation."
  • Plato
• "Two physics majors, Justin Kasper and Fred Niell, gathered up some spare junk from their physics labs and dorm rooms and built a plutonium-producing reactor.
  ‘It's kind of scary how easy it was to do,‘ said Niell, assuring onlookers that there was only a trace of plutonium -- nothing harmful. ‘It only took us about a day to build it. We've been thinking about it for a few days and we gathered the parts, and last night we assembled it. In Justin's room -- he lost the coin toss.‘ "
  • New York Times article
• "I wonder if people will go to the theatre for SW1 [Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace] and, forgetting where they are, leave in disgust when they don't show the SW1 trailer before the film."
  • Pascal Q. Porcupine (Seen on /.)
• "The last time I went to the dentist, she told me I had been a very naughty boy and proceeded to spank me. Wait a minute... maybe that wasn't the dentist."
  • David Vincent
• "You would use the weapons of mass destruction against men and women who uphold the law!!??"
  "We use these weapons to shop for groceries."
  • Demolition Man
• "Linux is only free if your time has no value"
  • Jamie Zawinski
• "If you sat a monkey down in front of a keyboard, the first thing typed would be a UNIX command."
  • Bill Lye
• "We'll get it back or choke the rivers with our dead!"
  • Bart Simpson
• "People say money doesn't buy you happiness, but those people are usually people who don't have enough of it."
  • Linus Torvalds
• "I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write."
  • Voltaire
• "I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty"
  • John Waters
• " ‘That's the secret of how to enjoy writing and how to make yourself meet high standards,‘ said Mrs. Berman. ‘You don't write for the whole world, and you don't write for ten people, or two. You write for just one person.‘ "
  • Kurt Vonnegut, Bluebeard
• "If you were taught that elves caused rain, every time it rained, you'd see the proof of elves."
  • Ariex
• "Everything has a natural explanation. The moon is not a god but a great rock and the sun a hot rock."
  • Anaxagorus (c. 475 BC)
• "Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion."
  • Democritus
• "Anything worth doing is worth selling repeatedly."
  • Niven's Law
• " ‘Real isn't how you are made,‘ said the Skin Horse. ‘It's a thing that happens to you.‘ "
  • The Velveteen Rabbit
• "He was a wise man who invented God."
  • Plato
• "It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence."
  • W. K. Clifford
• "A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."
  • Nietzsche
• "Any belief worth having must survive doubt."
  • Unknown
• "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."
  • Carl Zwanig
• "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
  • Clarke's Third Law
• "If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero."
  • Murphy's Postulate of Probability
• "If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life."
  • Thoreau's Law
• "Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim."
  • Kirk (Elaan of Troyius)
• "If the Bible proves that God exists then comic books prove the existence of Superman."
  • From #Atheism
• "They said God was on high and he controlled the world and therefore we must pray against Satan. Well, if God controls the world, he controls Satan. For me, religion was full of misstatements and reaches of logic that I just couldn't agree with."
  • Gene Roddenberry
• "There is no absurdity so obvious that it cannot be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to impose it before the age of five, by constantly repeating it with an air of great solemnity."
  • Arthur Schopenhauer
• "...and sporteth twice they the camels, before the third hour. And so the Millionites went forth, to Ramgilliad, in Kadesh-belgamesh, by Shorethberagalion, to the house of Gashbillbethuelbasda, he who brought the butterdish to Balshaza, and the tent-peg to the house of Rashamon. And there, slew they the goats, yea, and put they the bits, in little pots."
  • Monty Python
• "The altar cloth of one aeon is the doormat of the next."
  • Mark Twain
• "Calvin: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? Hobbes: I'm not sure that man needs the help."
  • Calvin & Hobbes
• "If the account given in Genesis is really true, ought we not, after all, to thank this serpent? He was the first schoolmaster, the first advocate of learning, the first enemy of ignorance, the first to whisper in human ears the sacred word liberty, the creator of ambition, the author of modesty, of inquiry, of doubt, of investigation, of progress and of civilization."
  • Robert G. Ingersoll
• "The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike."
  • Delo McKown
• "Why don't we just skip the sex and get straight to the guilt!"
  • From The Kids in the Hall
• "If I were ever on ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?‘, I'd use my lifeline to call Ben Stein. Not only does he know just about everything, but it would make Regis look like a wuss for not having the guts to put HIS own money on the line."
  • Kevin Cecil
• "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion"
  • L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology

Still want more? Really? Then check out The Ehlert Collection for a teeny chunk of history.